I have a friend who went to MycoMeditations years ago. I have seen the changes in his life and had a chance to ask him about it again last year. He knew of my story of sexual abuse growing up and also my struggles with anxiety and being present in the moment. He recommended that I read Michael Pollan's book How To Change Your Mind. I did and was intrigued. The more I researched venues and their methodologies, the more I kept coming back to MycoMeditations. Their procedures, staffing and operation seemed to be the most professional and safe. I was able to watch Beth Law's testimony linked through their YouTube channel and that gave me the courage to actually pull the trigger and go! Beth's story spoke to me as only another veteran can understand.

Before the retreat, I did not know how to love myself, nor others. I had a deep seated homophobia and hatred for my being. Because of my childhood church's condemnation and my mother's rejection, I have always had an underlying hatred for myself because I have always been homosexual. There were parts of my own soul I just did not want to accept and love. That has all changed in a dramatic way: I have managed to find love and acceptance for myself and also forgiveness for myself and others. I finally feel at peace with myself and the world in general. I have more patience and presence, and feel like I am finally whole!

I have always felt like I didn't have the whole story, like a piece of my soul was missing. I've spent my life looking for something yet not knowing what it was that I was looking for. I used to spend hours staring out over the horizon whether it was on a beach or on the catwalks of the ships I was serving on in the Navy. When I was flying, I would intently stare at the water below, scanning, searching. At Myco, during the first trip, I was blasted out over the horizon and found it: it was me. A sobbing 8 year old boy, alone and terrified. I found the piece that was missing and it was me!

During the second session, as I sat in my own anger and self-loathing, my guide Mark came over and asked if he could just sit with me and put an arm on my shoulder. He sensed I was struggling and holding back. His tender presence and physical size (he is twice my size and half my age so I felt like he could kick anyone's ass who may show up in my nightmares) made me feel completely safe, something that is rare in my experience. Something just broke loose deep inside my soul. I started sobbing, and as Mark held me, it was no longer the 58 year old me, but rather it was that 8 year boy who had been molested on the living room floor by my friend's dad. I sobbed as all the violent memories and sensations of the whole ordeal came forth, because you see, the tale I had been telling myself is what I had to do in order to survive. The truth is that I was brutally raped by my friend's dad, then threatened with death when it was over. Mark's presence created the safe space for that memory to return, and for me to experience the raw brutality of it all. Then, the crushing rejection by my mom when I went to her days later, sobbing, but could only get the single word out, "Mom?" before I was shut down for being a baby and crying. I remembered all the other sexual abuse in all their gory detail as well, and in the process, I claimed my agency, I claimed my memories, and I reclaimed my wholeness and being! It was a rugged experience to go through, but the result is that for the first time, I feel whole! I feel love and acceptance for myself, and I have my own power and agency again!

I used to hate myself and my sexuality and being. I was prone to emotional swings with rage that would erupt followed by deep melancholy. Now I have found the forgiveness and love I used to hear about but never experienced for my own soul. I see all of myself: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. I am finally feeling a new sensation of self-love, self-acceptance, and self-nurturing. I have managed to set some firm boundaries around myself and cut off some unhealthy people and situations while I take the time I need to integrate and heal. I could never before resist the feeling of letting someone down who needed me, even when I knew they were using me. Now, I have cut those people off, even my own toxic family. My friends have stated that they have never seen me so resolute, yet so present and intentional in the way I have shown up for the true people in my life.

I would tell whoever is considering this type of retreat this, "I am the last person who people would think would go (I'm a former Navy Squadron Commander) but I went and I will forever be grateful because I am changed, I am better, and I am whole.

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